It’s Deepavali here today and reflecting back on this very same date a year ago brings tears to my eyes because it was the day my dad had to go through something so horrific which set the tone for the dark months ahead. It was the start of everything dwindling down for him and us as a family.
Reading this right here remains as emotional as I first wrote it a year back. We were all thankful that he came out of it and the subsequent attack but when I look at it whole, I keep asking myself,why did this terrible thing just had to befall us and put us through so much as a unit.
I still have no answers why despite it being close to 8 months now. 8 months on the dot on 27th of October. On my Birthday.
I still remember on my birthday last year, my dad who was the type to show more love with actions instead of words actually sent me this:
‘This is the happiest birthday present you gave me. This day I am alive. Thank you, happy birthday, mom and I love you, Sairah and Anand.
I wish I was back to one sometimes.
Bothers me that I”ll never get a wish from him again. Which is why I will cherish this forever.
Sometimes I’m so afraid Sairah will forget her grandpa that it bothers me. Which is why I remind her of him everyday and she starts and ends the day by wishing him a good morning and good night. Because I do want her to have him in her thoughts at the start and end of the day.
She misses him I’m sure. But I’m just afraid eventually memories of her grandpa might fade away or become a distant memory and that thought frightens me.
8 months on, we are living and getting through each day at a time. I think we all are just pushing forward, for the sake of it. It’s tough.
It’s so unfair how his life ended when we were just about to start a new life here.
But I’ve been told,that’s how life rolls sometimes and you can’t do anything about it except march on.
Sometimes, it really feels like you’ve not left and you appearing in dreams looking all healthy and happy and telling us that you are gives us some form of comfort. Because it is indeed, some form of closure. You are without a doubt, next to GOD.
We miss you Daddy. We really do miss your I-Know-It-All character, you were always right and so confident about everything you spoke about that I never knew it was possible for a person to be that spot on.
And keeping up with the tradition, we went to the temple yesterday here and I hope you heard our prayers.
Some South Indian food to reflect home
Come end of October will also mark my one year of turning vegetarian coz it was during dad’s attack last year that I took a vow to turn vegetarian for a year in exchange of him pulling through the episode. Many have asked why am I still continuing this since he eventually did pass on, that I should just break it. But I’ve always believed that what you promise HIM should be kept, despite the changes in situation and technically my father did pull through the first two attacks when I made that vow then.
I am still undecided if I will break away from being vegetarian come month end.
But more importantly, I cannot fathom how one year has since gone by so quickly.
How I wish I could rewind you.